It should be a crime…

I loathe socks.

Wait, just hear me out.

I know they serve a purpose. Athletes, for example, should probably never set foot on the field/court/pitch without first putting on a pair of well structured athletic sock.  In addition, business men who wear suits everyday (actually, not even just business men, but also, any person who wears pants on a regular basis) should wear a nice pair of socks to go with their shoes and PANTS (notice the emphasis on PANTS, not SHORTS). Children are another group of the populace who I don’t mind wearing socks.

However, considering the fact that I am neither an athlete, businessman, or child I try never to wear socks. Ever. If, for some unholy reason I ever feel the need to wear sneakers, I will wear socks. However, this happens very, very rarely. I always wear shoes that do not require socks, ie. ballet flats, pumps, sandals.

I’ve never stopped to think whether this is because I actually prefer those shoes to sneaker-type-shoes or because of my HUGE aversion to socks.

There have been recorded incidents in which I was completely unable to focus on the task at hand because someone haphazardly threw on a pair of faded black tube socks with a pair of flip-flops before leaving the house to enter the civilized world. No, really. I swear on my old blog I wrote a very similar post to the one you, dear reader, are currently enjoying, in which I verbally abused a poor woman who decided she was going to step out of her apartment clad in nice black capri pants, a relatively nice pair of black sandals, and a FADED pair of what appeared to be an old pair of GREYISH BLACK TUBE SOCKS. She was in one of my classes, and I’m pretty sure I missed everything the professor said that day, because I could not take my eyes off the socks. Towards the end of the THREE HOUR LONG LECTURE, it took everything in me not to jump up and rip her socks off and burn them. Luckily, I waited until I got home and blogged about it. Otherwise, I would probably still be working off my community service hours for the assault and battery charges against me.

I have no idea where this strange phobia (well, not really phobia, because it’s not as if I’m SCARED of socks, I just prefer not to see them, or touch them, or have them near me (especially when they are on someone’s feet) unless of course the socks belong to tiny little people, ie. babylicious) comes from. BUT, I think it might have something to do with my grandfather always, ALWAYS wearing socks with sandals my entire childhood. Even when I was 6, I still knew that this should NEVER be done. To this day, the WORST offenders in my opinion, are those rejects who still think it’s ok to wear socks with ANY kind of sandal. Here’s a tip people: Just because one celebrity does it, and then the masses decide it’s cool, does not mean it’s ACTUALLY ok to do. Even with the more athletic sandals (such as the adidas-shower-shoe-type-sandal, you know the ones I’m talking about, that made a huge splash around 1999, during which everyone decided it was a good idea 1.) to own a pair and 2.) to wear socks with them. Yeah, it was very hard for me to concentrate during High School.)

I just don’t like to see them, socks that is. I don’t care if you wear them. I just don’t want to see them. If you happen to be wearing shorts, please, please, please for the love of GOD do not wear giant tube socks. Wear some nice ankle length or the “no-show” (which, by the way, always show) socks, and for the love of all things holy, please do not wear sandals. Sandals are meant to be worn without socks. If you are cold in the feet, put on real shoes with your socks.

And for christs sake, if I have to see the socks, please don’t make me look at anything other than pristine white socks. I don’t want to see black socks (I know, this probably offends my European readers, as apparently the ONLY color socks you can buy in Europe is BLACK. Believe me, I was not thrilled when we were overseas this summer and our bags coming home were heavier by just a few ounces thanks to the, ahem, black socks hubster picked up) but there is a reason the majority of the world either does not wear socks, or wears only white socks: That is what GOD intended.

Hubster knows of my, shall we say “issues”, with socks and many a time he has tried to lay his socked feet ON MY LAP, as in, close to MY FACE. He always argues “They are CLEAN” as I’m violently throwing his foot as far away from any exposed skin and yelling “THEY ARE ON YOUR FEET!!! HOW CLEAN CAN THEY BE”. He just laughs and continues with his malicious display, until I am forced to remedy the situation by leaving the couch.

Yes, that will show him. Punish him for getting too close to me with his socked feet by giving him more room on the couch. I wonder how I will discipline Babylicious when he disobeys me. Candy? A nice shopping spree to Toys-R-Us? A pony perhaps?

But I digress.

Have a lovely day. Think hard about your choice of footwear.

I, dear readers, am off to burn a few of my European husbands (I bet you can guess the color) socks.

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3 Comments

  1. I think you mean “mound” not “pitch.”

    This was extremely entertaining. I loved it 🙂 Thank you 🙂 I shall forward this to everyone I know 🙂

  2. oh and I like the part where you question whether it’s truly your aversion to socks, or your convenient preference for non-sock requiring shoes. For me, it’s the latter. I prefer flip flops, stilettos, etc, to sneakers, however I do enjoy wearing socks around the house in the wintertime. I hate walking on cold floors.

  3. 1. No, I mean pitch, as in soccer pitch (or for you European-Phrase challenged readers, soccer FIELD).

    2. That is what SLIPPERS are for… Just because you don’t like to walk on cold floors does not mean you HAVE to wear socks…


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